Uneasy

This past holiday weekend I was brought a heaviness of humility. To act towards making amends regarding others that I’ve hurt or have hurt me.

In conversations with a few people, I was able to embrace vulnerability and shed light on places within me that I’d prefer to keep in the shadows. This is not easy as my pridefulness kicks in immediately. But knowing that if it feels uncomfortable or unfamiliar, then I’m heading in a good direction.

It took time as I looked at the ground trying to find words to speak in front of the persons. Many times, I wanted to defend my pride, to not allow people to see me as weak. But it isn’t weakness, it’s a place inside I’ve rediscovered things I’m holding onto that should be released instead. Slowly words came out of me from a transparency angle. NO!!! I’ve been exposed. Been called out and filled with guilt…

In the end I don’t regret it, but I know I will if I remain silent and suppress those amends that people need to hear. People will treat you the way they want to. It’s not up to me to fix or change them. I can only change me for the better and grow sounder. If there’s pain or trauma in any way, now is the time to let go of that. Resentment isn’t constructive for the mind. In fact, it breeds the type of feelings that make you more likely to turn to destructiveness.